Sunday, August 31, 2008

emotionally unstable.

I realised I'm being very emotionally unstable now.


Somehow I can feel so painful, so horrible, so hurtful at one time and cry myself to death and yet...

I can be so emotionless and bear no feeling at all at another.


I can be in so much pain at one time, I feel like killing myself while at another...

I can be so normal, it's like nothing has happened.



I started to not understand myself anymore.

How can my emotions change so fast from one to another in just a very short period of time. Maybe even a minute. Yes, it's that fast.


I can feel so sad alone one moment and the next when I see him, it's like nothing happened and we are old friends.

Somehow things just happened less than eight hours but it feels like it has passed for so long and we were good friends again.

But when I come back and being alone now, I'm being all emo again feeling what I should in the first place especially when I see him earlier which I didn't.


But what hurt the most among all the changes is I can't ask to know what is he thinking anymore. I can't ask what is on his mind and why is he feeling like that. I hate this.

I lose all my right to care, all my right to be concerned.


Maybe it's a good thing but it hurts so much for now.


I guess it's good to know how we are acting when we see one another even though I'm not sure if it's just an act that he's putting it up for me.

Though I can be sure, it's not an act that I'm doing. It's really the next best thing that I hope we can have apart from what we used to have but now lost.


But as I've said, I wouldn't know if that's how things are for him because I have no right to ask, no right to be told.

Sigh.



Somehow I realised I don't know what love is. It's way too complicated for me to understand and I don't want to be bothered anymore.

I give up.



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