Tuesday, December 1, 2009

I just don't understand.

First note: Yay! New skin.

I made this skin almost from scratch. Or not.

I stole the code from Bell though, and god knows where she stole the code from. But we did credit the one who did the code at the credits column.

But I did the background from scratch, imitating Bell's one since I never did anything like this before.

And I modified all the codes to simplified them since I don't need such a complicated one.

Ta-da~ And that's what you are seeing now.

While the icon that appear at the browser tab, I just curi-ed from Bell temporarily since I can't find one that is nice and that I want.

That's all about the skin and I'ma so happy with what I did.

While what that I actually wanna blog about is actually something totally off from what I just said.

Just feel weird I didn't blog a little bit about ma new blogskin.

What I have in mind is actually about relationship.

No, not that kind of relationship you are thinking about. Not the couple kind of relationship but what I mean is family.

Those relationship that got related by blood.

I have long accepted the fact that humans drift apart after some times, it just happens especially when it comes to friends.

But all along, I am just barely able to accept the fact that family drifts apart, too.

It's just a very heartbreaking fact to be accepted, especially just that easily.

I just don't understand, how can family be drifted apart just like that?

I ain't talking about parents - son/daughter relationship, I'ma talking about relationships between cousins.

Maybe just because I don't have any siblings that are purely blood related to me, cousins just meant so much to be like how normal siblings do.

But then, everything started to drift apart when the older one grows up.

Grow up in the sense of stepping into adulthood while the younger one were still in their teen years. And even if we are all stepping into the adulthood as well, it just isn't the same anymore.

The close relationship that we used to have when we were much younger just diappear like that, like they never existed.

Ma mom used to say that I'ma cold hearted because I barely keep in touch with everyone.

But it's not me. It's just that we don't share the same closeness as we used to anymore.

I can't even talk about stuff with them. They are just too afraid to tell me stuff. I just don't understand. Am I still the kid that they used to play with last time in the past?

They grew up, I grow up, too.

Growing old and I'ma reaching 22 soon in another half a year.

But I feel like nobody trust me enough to tell me anything anymore. Is it the problem of me being an adult as well or they just still treat me like I was 12?

I just don't understand until now.

It just hurts to think about it and I never did except when ma mom asked if I contacted anyone or keep in touch. But how?

How to keep in touch when we don't have anything to talk about? I just don't go to them and tell them about maself and ma problem and all while they reserving themselves from me.

How? I wonder how. Especially the one whom you were closest to among the rest seems to be the most distant one now. Maybe it's just because of the real distance between us but I don't believe that what makes everything goes away.

I don't wanna appear to be pressuring, I just wanna be a cousin, whom someone can talk to. I just want cousins who are like siblings whom I can talk to.

Why is it so difficult after everyone grows up? Why everything just couldn't be the same anymore?

What is everyone afraid of? I just don't understand.

It just seems like the older generation are the one keeping us together, what if in the future the older generation is not here anymore. There will be a time when they go, then are we all not gonna remember that the others exist anymore?

It's just so bothering and heartbreaking everytime that cross ma mind. And yet, I just don't think I can do anything.

I just don't wish to think about it.

I just hope what I afraid of wouldn't happen.

They have siblings, I don't, I only have them.

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