Tuesday, July 20, 2010

free independent

It has been an emotions rollercoaster for the past few days.

I don't know whether it's all because of the PMS or it's because those stuff around me really annoyed me so hell much or because of the crazy amount of assignments I have been doing just lately or just simply because I have reach this point of my life where I have to decide, decide and make more decisions.


Simple said, lost.







At times I feel depressed, I don't feel like talking, everything and anything annoys me.

I feel like snapping all the time, no matter at who.


Whenever someone says something, I read some comments from the internet, it feels like it's all stupid.

Something snaps.







At times I feel good.

I thought something made my day, it's gonna be a good day and I'm gonna be happy while doing my work and everything's gonna turn out good.


Just soon enough after the thought, everything goes downhill.

All the irritable stuff just pops out of nowhere.


Or just someone choose to spoil the mood for me at that very moment.

And then soon enough, I am back to feeling like it couldn't be any more worse.


I know it could be worse but the feeling sucks.







And then everything repeats itself again.


Moody turns happy, positive turns negative, back and forth, again and again.

Just opposite, then the opposite of opposite and more opposite of the opposite of opposite.


It makes me feel like I am losing my sanity.

The little sanity that I hope to keep is slipping away.



At times I feel like crying.

Worse, I just don't know why.


It just seems like everything is at a bad point now.

It just seems like everything is worth a cry.







What's worse... I have to hide.

Hide from parents, hide from anyone.


I just don't feel like telling anyone about it.

What am I supposed to say?


I feel like crying for no reason?

Nah... I rather not.







Then there's time where I feel like going away.

Far far away where nobody knows me where I can start anew.


I don't know why but everytime things get difficult this is one thing that I have always wanted and been thinking about.


Just maybe it's the simpliest way to avoid everything.

Simple words, running away.


But it seems like I ain't the only one.

I have heard enough times that my friends want to go away, too.


Odd.

Are they being in the same place as I am now?

I don't know but we do feel the same, wanted to go somewhere far away where nobody knows us.


But just maybe what they are avoiding is not the same as mine.


For me, honestly, partially it's due to my parents.

It is not that they are ain't good or they don't care about me.


They do.

But they just simply don't understand.

While I just simply don't know how to make them understand.


I guess why everyone wants to leave where they are now is because when you reach a new place where nobody knows you, there is no pressure of any sort.

No pressue at all.

Zero.


That's the only thing I managed to understand from why so many people wants to go away.

Main reason, pressure.







Everyone thinks I have no pressure.

My life is easy, my parents give me everything.


Just maybe to those who don't give a damn might think this is no pressure.

But I am not.


I am pressured.

A lot.



Indirectly by my parents, directly by myself.

Not because I have nothing better to do and give pressure to myself.


But it's like an unstated rules.

You think it's free to have a life like mine?


Seriously, it's not.

Everything has its give and take.


While everyone see I am happily taking from my parents now in terms of financial, shelter or anything, one day I'll still have to repay.

Simple equation, the more you take, the more you have to repay.


Maybe repay is not the correct word.

Take and hence, give.


No, it's not all pressure from the parents but isn't it fair that I give as much as I take if not more?

I think it's fair and it's a big pressure to actually make things happen for me.


Make things happen which is to give.

To give my parents what I have received from them all my life.


Sigh.


And I am not complaining.

I am not complaining that my life is hard.


I know, it is not even bad.

It is in fact, I have a good life.


I know a lot of kids are not as fortunate as I am.


I know, I really do.

But I am just writing in terms of my situation, not comparing, not complaining.


Just something that a lot of people doesn't understand.

Nor I know those who are born in a family similar to mine understand or not.


Just maybe they don't feel any pressure.

Just maybe they don't think it's necessary to repay their parents.

Just maybe, I wouldn't know.



I just wish I could be independent.

I need to be independent.


I need to be free.

Free to be independent.



I might not even make sense here now.

I don't really know what I am writing actually.


I need to get some sleep.

Just don't bother.



2 comments:

Lean said...

Dropping by ere. =)

~tree trunk~ said...

*pat pat baby*

ganbateh ne~ would support any ways i could yea... muax!

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