Monday, May 23, 2011

Day 17 - Your highs and lows of this past year.

Before this I'm planning to skip this title, I've got nothing much to write about even if I squeeze all my brain juice. But maybe because of what has happened recently, I guess I should at least write this down. Whatever it is meant to be, I just think it should leave a mark here in my blog.

Yes, I don't blog much about my personal thoughts, my feelings here anymore. I guess it's just a way to protect myself, there's so many people to protect myself from in order not to get hurt. No matter how insignificant the harm might be.

Also to protect other people I guess. Sometimes there's something that I would like to share but often involved other people in my life and to protect them and their privacy, I have to forego a lot of stuff that I could have written down here. Even if I do not be specific, there's still a certain chances that one might be affected by what I wrote.

My life just ain't about myself it seems. As my age increases, there's just too much to care about to just do whatever I want. At times I am just this plain selfish little girl who just wish to not care of anything but myself. Yet, it's always so hard to be it.

But anyway, getting back to the topic, my highs and lows of this past year. Does past year supposed to mean 2010? I guess but I clearly couldn't remember much as I'm a person who have very short term memory, I forget a lot of details as time passed by. So why not we talk about some significant highs and lows of mine for the past half a year instead.

In the past half a year, I have graduated in Diploma of Graphic Design back in Ipoh. Got into Limkokwing of Creative Technology to further my degree in Professional Design. I guess getting my diploma completed is a high point for me in this case, while furthering my study hasn't exactly been a high point for me. I have been stumbled with issues and problems almost without a stop since I moved here.

First of, one of my low point in the past half a year would be having issues with a good friend and honestly, I really think that the way we handle things are so much different at times yet so similar. I am not going to justify the matter but what I have left with after that is almost a stranded friendship. It's not only friendship but it concerned my career welfare as well and hence I guess that's the reason why everything turned bad from then on.

After that, while getting into a university and having internship for my first semester is totally stressing me out. It could have been easier, or I could have made a better choice if I just take the option to stay for an extra semester before having internship in the next semester instead. I did not, I jumped right into the troubles that awaits me and I came out of it halfway with wounds and bruises. Basically, I dropped my internship halfway through the semester due to all the issues and misunderstandings that didn't stop surfacing throughout the whole time.

I guess that could almost be the lowest point ever in the past years. I have problems, I am lost and I did not know what to do. I guess I would have still made the mistake if I was given a chance to relive the moment, maybe that's just who I am and how I deal with things. But in this moment, I knew better.

While now, I think I am still at the low point of my life. It had been a bad time the past weeks for me, very bad and horrible. I couldn't write details, I wouldn't bring myself to do it. All I know is, it might be partially karma from how I have treated the certain someone that I am going through whatever it is now. Also the fact that, I didn't know what I want and made someone's else life miserable. I think I deserve what I'm going through. Not everything but maybe partially.

Not to forget the fact that the emotional roller coaster that I have been going through when I finally understand that I am actually being thrown out of the certain someone's life fast and ugly. I lost him, yes, I finally did lost him. After all these year, the one thing that I am so afraid of, the one thing that I am protecting myself from finally happened. I wouldn't say it's unbelievable, it's more like I should have seen it coming.

I guess I'm writing all the low points instead of the high. I couldn't think of any high points in my life for the past half a year. Life hasn't been treating me very well, but I couldn't deny that I have been treating myself and other people not so well as well. Give and take I supposed.

But I'll certainly live. And survive. Yet, couldn't ignore the fact that damaged has already been done and scars will be left behind. No doubt, it's painful, it's heart wrenching, I'm heartbroken but I'll be fine. I don't know when, I don't know how long I am going to take but this uneasy feeling that I have every single day since the incidents happen would have to take some time to go away.

In short, I lost friendship, I lost part of my career that I have started to try building about a year or two ago, I lost the one person that I wish I wouldn't lose, I lost some time as time pass me by, I lost quite a few things that I considered as important to me in the past half a year. It's quite overwhelming to actually put everything together but that's what had happened.

I guess it all summed up that I have all the lowest points during this duration of time. At the same time, I guess what doesn't kill me is supposed to make me stronger. Actually what I believe is, those people around me that care when I am at my lowest points are what makes me want to be stronger.

I'm climbing up slowly, recovering slowly. No matter how slow, what matters is the progress that I am making. Like the saying "I will be okay, just not today."


ken said...

hey things would be fine sooner or later.. be positive alright.. :)

Stanley Wong said...

Waves are inspiring bot just because they rise and fall but because each time they fall they never fail to rise again.

Cheer~ :)

alLets'Lexy said...

thanks guys. =) i know i'll be fine but thanks for the comments nonetheless.

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